Here it is after a 2 week hiatus. Its Carey Denise and I breaking down the world as we see it.  This is soon to be on iTunes once we get our approval, which will make all of this Hella Easy!

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In April of 2009, I weighed in at 411 pounds. I was out of control, consuming 5000 to 7000 calories a day and eating fast food 3 to 5 times a day as well as eating other meals my ex wife had prepared at home.

I was morbidly obese, I was nearing the point where wiping my own ass completely was a struggle. I slept with a CPAP machine so I didn’t die in the middle of the night.

I was fortunate enough to have gastric bypass. Because of the surgery, I went from 411 pounds to 305 pounds which is a significant weight loss but I still had a long way to go.

Over time I figured out how to trick my system and overeat. After losing 100+ pounds I had packed back on another 30.

By March of 2011, I was at 335 pounds. I knew I was close to completely blowing it and screwing the pooch and being one of those 1000 pound motherfuckers you see getting cut out of a house.

I don’t want to get off on a spiritual guru fruity tangent here but I will tell you that through my studies of zen, yoga, Alan Watts, Joseph Campbell, LSD, Mushrooms, DMT and a special visit with a Shaman in New Mexico I was blessed with the veil of reality being pulled back.

My deteriorating health was my doing.

My failed relationships were my doing.

My career failures were my doing.

AND MY SUCCESS WAS MY DOING.

Simply what it comes down to is choice.

As entities in this form we were given the free will to choose and through our choices we create our reality.

That’s what they don’t want you to know.

Society has created this frenetic pace where possessions and accomplishments drive the ego and those folks who have had a rough go of things turn to what is available to find peace, some turn to booze, some to drugs and for a lot of people it’s food.

Dollar menu options, savory chemically constructed perfections where scientists have determined the right amount of sodium and sugar to provide short term satisfaction while creating a drive to consume more fast food.

WE ARE KILLING OURSELVES $1 AT A TIME!

So what does it all mean?

Choice.

Success is a series of positive choices in a row until the choices become habits or what they call a life style change.

Failures are the continual choices that only create the outcome of failure.

Why do you choose the way you choose?

For me, I never believed success was possible I had a lifetime of failure, a lifetime of near misses but when I honestly looked at my life, my choices were the cause of my failure.

What they will never tell you, what they don’t want you to know, is that your belief in yourself, in choosing to succeed, in choosing to create your reality is up to you.

Just keep choosing.

Meal after meal.

Portion after portion.

Work out after work out.

And you know what?

Sometimes I eat bacon.

Sometimes I drink.

I’m writing this at 36k over the mid west on a Delta Flight and if you saw the weirdo sleep face of the broad next to me you’d slap her with your cock just because the laugh is that good.

That’s my office dude. Couple vodkas and a light beer.

In the end today I’m still going to end up consuming 1500 calories and working out because I’m going to choose to do it.

There will come a time when you say FUCK IT I’m gonna lose weight and there will come a time when you say FUCK IT I’m gonna pound 12 beers and eat this bowl of guacamole and chips.

It’s fine.

It’s all good.

Why are you judging yourself?

Why are you your harshest critic?

Why did you give yourself the job to condemn your choices?

Happiness is here.

Right now.

Do you want it?

Seriously?

Are you worthy of allowing yourself to children be happy?

Were back to choice again?

Your freewill allows you to choose how to act and it also allows you to choose how you judge your actions.

“don’t judge lest ye be judged.”

One rule.

Accept what is.

Look around you, find the joy, find the positives, find reasons to keep making positive healthy choices and you will begin to manifest your reality.

With diet, exercise and good choices I went from 335 lbs to 280 lbs.

It was a gradual, healthy weight loss. All through choice.

Limiting my portions. Stopping before I was full. Eating slower. No soda. No fast food.

In the fall of 2011 I was diagnosed with Lynch Syndrome which is a genetic mutation which means I have a higher risk of stomach and colon cancer.

I don’t have health care. I’m a comic. I don’t have a lot of money or time but what I I’ve is the choice in how to accept this reality.

Right now, Netflix is my healthcare.

I watched “Fat Sick and Nearly Dead” where a man from Australia through juicing only lost over 100 lbs and cured a skin disease he had been battleing.

Why couldn’t I do that?

What was I missing?

The choice to do it.

These days when Im home in Austin, I juice two meals a day.

I use the Jack Lalane juicer.

It was $99

I juice every day
3 carrots
1 green apple
1 pear
1 red pepper
4 stalks of celery
1 cucumber
1 stalk of broccoli
1 head of kale
1 beet

My other two meals are for the most part vegan.
I learned to like tofu over eggs.
I cook at home.
I made the choice to do this.

When you’re ready to be healthy it’s there waiting for you, just don’t wait too long, some shit you can’t come back from.

You’re worth it. You were sent here in this form to love yourself and to love others.

The healthier you are, the more energy you have, the more you can love, the more love you will be given to give.

You can change the world once you change yourself.

With this life style change I went from 280 lbs to 250 lbs and it’s a good start.

I think 200 will be a healthier weight and I’ll keep making good choices to get there.

I get to do this.

Its my life created by my choices.

You get to choose to give a fuck or not.

It’s funny at 40 years old with colonoscopys, polyp removal and my very death brought forefront to my reality, I made the ultimate choice to live.

I shop at Whole Foods, I eat Organic, I recycle, no more paper or plastic, I bring my canvas shopping bag because I choose to care about the environment. I don’t use Chemicals, everything is all natural and healthy.

At 40 years old I’ve turned into the biggest left wing liberal fruit cake and that’s funny if you knew as a kid how many times I wished the hippies down the street died of cancer.

In the end, time is running out. Live today for today like there are no tomorrows. Love unconditionally starting with you.

Happiness and health are right here, right now, choose to embrace them and thrive.

Disconnect from TV, the media and commercials, they know how to play to your emotions and your drivers.

I made the choices that got me to be a suicidal 411 lb man with a disastrous life and different choices brought it all back to the joy I experience today.

We weren’t sent here to suffer.

Choose joy.

Choose love.

Choose to live and be healthy.

From April 2009 to Jan 2012, I’ve went from a suicidal 411 lb dude to a joyful 250 lb dude and I can tell you one thing.

I’m really hungry.

And I’m OK with it.

If anyone wants to talk, share, have questions etc

Hit me up on Twitter @johntole

\m/

ENJOY!
CLICK HERE TO BE SENT TO OUR SOUND CLOUD PAGE FOR EPISODE 1

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IMO 2 is better.

I’m pretty sure I witnessed a drug deal today or two CIA operatives trading identical Nike bags that were stored under a bus that goes back and forth from RVA to NYC.

That’s normal right…. A bus pulls up, the driver gets out , unlocks a compartment , a guy walks up they trade bags and the dude leaves and the guy goes back to being a bus driver.

That’s a pretty sweet gig, I’ve always wanted to get into international crime or pull some capers or hijinx, but I was raised in the suburbs with the fear of hell and prison rape as a deterrent from being a bad ass and now I smuggle punch lines inside of rape jokes and deliver them to drunks and for a second make them feel better or I’m delusional and the stage is really my living therapy.

I’m on a six hour bus ride to NYC and it just started, I want to sleep but I also don’t want to get stabbed in the neck by a stranger but then again maybe I do, stranger things have happened.

Two shows in two days in Richmond and I had a blast, got to meet some new folks and party with old friends. We did a show at what used to be the old Twisters, which pitboss 2000 played there in either 98 or 99, mornings changed 13 years later I’m still a 13 year old saying offensive things in the name of underpaid underattended entertainment.

The show was video taped so there is evidence of me ruining the life of another cunty woman who wanted the show to be about her and I gave her what she wanted but also opened her brain up for the crowd to look inside and laugh. I also told the calling Dwight Goodens father the N word story which they were amusingly horrified by and I had to remind them that if they didn’t want to hear racist thoughts they should’ve tried harder to win the civil war…. So that happened.

20 shots of vodka later I’m hurling clear liquid on my new GG vest and ringworm t shirt and being the belligerent philosopher I’ve always wanted to be.

Life is amazing, I’m head over heels for Carey and full on love sick in a gay as fuck way but I’m cool with it. It’s nice to miss someone , it’s very raw but it also keeps my head and heart open to experiencing everything this shit pile has to offer and I’m beyond stoked we get to do spots together in Columbus, I just have to stay alive long enough to make it.

Today’s a drinking off day, I normally say that on days where I end up shitfaced but I’m on the road and I have no responsibilities other than writing and performing and riding busses and witnessing drug deals.

I’m going to listen to the new Powertrip songs and you should too.

As far as bands go they are right along with Municipal Waste and Overkill on the awesome scale and it’s fucking great to know that level of band is in my backyard, go see them with AF at trees in sept you’ll be stoked you did.

Mosh!

Last night I participated in a comedy competition in Fort Worth at a small bar that was full of people drinking and laughing on a Sunday , everyone did well and I was fortunate enough to put together a solid 5 of new and old to get the win.

I’m not really big on competitions as far as comedy goes but it’s a necessary part of this life so I might as well enjoy the process and considering when I started in 2003 the open mic spots I was getting were after 1amand normally performing to other open micers and mostly chairs. After a while you learn to love the chairs.

I have a new hobby where I see change and embrace the new whatever. Relationships, work, radio, music, my health, my art it’s all in a constant state of flux. It’s easy to see now how before I was resistant to change and how life would manifest itself into problems and drama because I was fighting what was every step of the way.

Acceptance is at the foundation of our beings and with faith it’s nice to sit back and watch life fall into place and the coincidences and simple miracles blink into place.

The ultimate task is being still enough to watch life being created while maintaining an inner vigilance to continue to embrace the decisions with enthusiasm that vibrate at the highest levels.

This only works if I can maintain my suspension of judgement.

And that’s where we are today, fully accepting, no longer judging and constantly giving attention to the people I’m fortunate enough to encounter along the way.

Today my “punk ethic” was questioned and the term hippie was thrown my way. I’ll gladly take all of it. Sometimes it’s nice to know there’s more out there paying attention than just the chairs.

Acceptance and attention … The end

With these two principles at your foundation you can conquer this “world”. You can surpass any limitation and co create your reality.

At that point you just have to sit back and enjoy the odd moments, the inside jokes, the belly Laughs that come with living in the middle of a big inside joke.

sometimes it’s a duel with pool noodles inside a walmart that gets thwarted because your mind was read by someone who has known you for 1000s of years.

Sometimes it’s a late night exorcism and dispatching rabbit sized demons ,( when my book comes out you’ll get this story in it’s entirety.)

Sometimes it’s just a blank white board that says reality at the top of it and what’s left are your dreams and intentions.

Sometimes it’s chairs with the potential for audience , but that doesn’t change the attention or the delivery.

Time to bring the A game to the A game.

Love , attention and acceptance, as it’s always been regardless of whether or not I wanted to fully believe or participate , I’ve spent a lifetime limiting my output and held back by my judgmental definitions and resistance and sometimes you have to believe not only are the chairs not empty and being patiently held for guests who have always been there but waiting for my full attention.

Boner jams 5000

Gorgeous Saturday here in Dfw I went over to my buddy Danny’s condo for their yearly pool get together which meant I sat in the blistering heat, ate some BBQ, and perved on chicks in bikinis who were lounging around the pool while we talked about the future of the radio industry.

I knew I was doing the pool thing but I get weird about being shirtless in public because I’m losing weight in an odd way. It’s like I have a smaller middle, smaller legs, and more muscular torso but the sick tragedy that is my gut is still spilling over my belt like a new orleans levee and my side boob fat and live handle meat are quite the spectacle. I’m learning to live with and enjoy my aging changing body, what other choice do I have really.

I could resist my changing Body and life but it was that resistance that led me to a spiraling depression, but no mas mi amigos.

I’m watching my body get thinner, I have more energy, I feel healthy and sure I have a bloated gut like a feed the children Ethiopian with bulging gut to match his bulging eye balls as he starves to death and to be honest I’d trade where I am now for his fate… Just for a chance to die with a big dick.

So after three hours of ball sweating lurking at the pool I made my way over to Garland to the local “Scooters” Pool Hall where I am headlining (going last) I love doing bar shows but I like doing them when the patrons are happy and attending and they want to be there.

As the people come in here, they have to tell the person collecting the money what they are here for.

Darts
Pool
Poker
Beer
Pussy
Comedy

They have managed to figure out that complaining can get past the $5 cover and they will get in for free, sit at the bar and judge the comedy show they refused to pay for, they will groan and be offended as their toothless day light drunk tendencies come to light and give them the nerve to sit and judge for free, some will laugh, some will hate, there will be a barefoot woman showing her boobs, drunk by the dartboard.

But that’s all part of this, and that’s what comes along with taking bar gigs, it’s what comes along with not following the rules with refusing to capitulate to the restrictive rules scared club owners put on comics they can’t control.

So I really can’t complain as I sit here outside a bar in Garland with the sun out, with a sweaty back and a room full of sad people escaping their lives on a Saturday afternoon. I manifested this very experience and I’m stoked at the opportunity to show up and entertain, to crack the mic open, to crack my brain open and see what comes out. This set could be a train wreck, it could be the new ground zero, it’s a great chance to experiment and just flow with the energy the willing and unwilling crowd chooses to give.

Crowds are like the girls pool side not all of them are great and there is no hard and fast rule about who decides who gets to laugh or wear a bikini and either way whether it’s comedy or the pool, I’ll have my shirt on, sucking in my gut and trying to see boobs.

Well the world, or atleast the stay at home parents and chronically unemployed sat in rapt attention watching the Casey Anthony verdicts come down today.

What I wanted to see was the camera tight on Nancy Grace’s brutal mug as she scrambled and screamed at producers that their blood soaked hands were not going to be able to wring in vengeance that they had to run for plan B which was the hand wringing for baby Caylee.

Casey Anthony may or may not have killed her daughter but she and the media were complicit in creating a circus of attention to keep the world distracted on her while it falls apart around us.

This country celebrated a birthday yesterday and the rednecks and patriotic losers who find their egos bolstered by the flag waving and false pride are quick to care about this media circus while our country is 27th in worldwide education, leading in childhood obesity, failing school systems, crumbling infrastructure, two losing wars on terror, a lost war on drugs and a nation who votes more for singing and dancing contests than on actual elections.

It’s the same distraction brought on by Anthony Weiner sending dick pics, it’s the same distraction brought on by social networking and the international one sided conversation happening on twitter.

Btw @johntole

My jokes from today:

One thing we learned about the OJ and Casey Anthony trials … Women are shitty lawyers.

The one difference between the OJ and Casey Anthony trial… I don’t hate hot white chicks.

Am I the only one trying to cum at the same time as the verdict?

How long until Casey Anthony is convicted for stealing back her memorabilia ? ( written 21 mins before one of Letterman’s writers tweeter the same joke)

Basically the lesson here… Turn off your tv, your computer, your phone, do it now, go outside an live your life, get active get moving and create a life worth living, no one is going to lie on their death bed and wish there was more court tv to watch, more opinions from that Louie Anderson clone Nancy Grace or that Darth Vader helmeted weirdo Jane Velez Mitchell while they blather on killing your brain cells while they talk about people in cells while they keep the brain of America captive.

Those two bitches and Dr. Drew actually had the nerve to condemn Casey Anthony for possibly profiting from this case………

Are you fucking kidding me…

Apparently as far as people profiting from this case they hate the competition.

RIP Caylee and RIP the collective intelligence and conscience of the part of America trained like monkeys to pick up this shit being shoveled to them.

“Go outside and play”

Signed
All of our parents

Nothing says Fourth of July weekend like being surrounded by crying children and angry people in a laundramat excuse me lavanderia.

Nothing says celebrating this great nation like abject poverty, high crime, $4 gas, no healthcare, 2 wars, 27th in education the nations attention on a chick with big tits making a mockery and spectacle out of the chance at life she was given and the Mexican tv has their version because entertaining the crying children in the play area with broken toys, are more broken toys in bikinis shaking their asses in front of American flags at a Mexican beach resort.

I can’t imagine thinking of the effort and hard luck stories the people here could tell about coyotes, death and violence so they could come to this country and be collected into poor areas and then entertained by girls in USA bikinis dancing back home in Mexico.

Maybe the key to happiness is abs. The girls on the tv appear to having the time of their lives, they are unaware they are helping mold young minds of ignored children forced to spend a Saturday alone while their parents yell at people on their cell phones only to stop and tell the kids to stop crying.

My wardrobe has moved from xxxl to xl and I was concerned I had no clothes but thank you to icon screen printing and sullysbrand hooking me up big time I’m now able to revamp my look which in my 40 years has not changed.

20 t shirts , 20 undershirts, 20 pair of underwear , 10 socks and 3 pairs of shorts.

Keep it simple , that’s the key to life.

I had to break to politely decline a washer to washer salesman selling jewelry and bootleg Perfume kits and while I appreciated his thought I might have a significant other to want to buy perfume for and that the kind of women who would be interested in me due to my present location and state of public laundering might be interested in his booty ass cologne but his technique and English was lacking and he just politely lifted the items into my view like the juggling chiclet kids on the bridge that smells like piss on the way to tj who I always buy from because that’s because I enjoy a good show.

Sure as a traveling comedian white guy who gets to see the world and explore his mind, creation and experience all that life has to give while I entertain has to spend some time in sketchy neighborhoods next to combo pizza hut/cell phone/ laundromats. But that just keeps me grounded while I finish typing this at my Starbucks home office and I can tell you I’m light years from my married life where I was living in a four bedroom house with my own washer and dryer and I still had to do my laundry and without a doubt I was still yelling into my cellphone and watching sluts shake their ass on telemundo.

And thats why I dont have kids, I’m a horrible immature role model.

And sex isn’t really an option at this point.

More on that later.