The travel day starts like most with a sleep deprived 5am shuttle ride to the airport. Two couples sit across from each other, the broads are yammering away about their friends wedding and their husbands stare at each other hoping the warm sensation of death will one day wash over them. The conversation morphs into the TSA and how they were unable to bring aboard an expensive bottle of wine on their last work trip. I want them dead. Sorry this is me at 5am on zero sleep with two planes to catch as I make my way from Austin TX to Toronto Ontario Canada for two sold out shows for The Ronnie Mund Block Party.
A three hour layover in Houston allows me a unique opportunity to see Canadian’s up close and now were packed like a Mardis Gras Paddy Wagon on our way up to the Great White North. In my 15 years of doing shows in Canada this is the first time I’m working legally and showing up with an actual work Visa and since the biggest hurdle for the weekend is getting into Canada I’m on my best behavior.
The line into customs moves quickly and within 10 minutes I’m going through the border agents where I’m directed to head through to another waiting area with armed guards that I can only describe as an airport version of a DMV. They take my passport, my work papers and tell me to sit down. The room is bleak and I get that uneasy feeling one of these doors leads to a room where they could make you disappear if they needed to. After a half hour our promoter shows up and pays the money to get me into Canada and relieved I head to baggage claim where my exit to freedom is blocked by a 700 person line through two more guards to actually leave the airport.
Not only were there a lot of hot chicks one fan in particular came up onstage and revealed her natural rack selection to the delight of the fans and while I do have the video, this blog prevents the posting of nudity but look to upcoming content from Howard TV where not only will you see this top notch rack but better footage of Dabadass JD Harmeyer delivering a solid lip lock to a standing ovation!
Well if you’re touring with Maddog Mattern and he can’t sleep unless he’s hopped up on St. John’s Wort and enough melatonin to put someone to sleep faster than a Gary story, you hit up the local Walmart, which is just like American Walmarts except everyone is in shape and has health care.
One by one we all took our swings as the crowd cheered.
JD went, then Maddog, then Ronnie, myself and finally the headliner Shuli. With my lackluster bag missing 452 as the score to beat, Shuli stepped up.
Someone yelled out “Pretend it’s Scott’s face!” and that’s all Shuli needed and he landed a serious haymaker and scored a 666. The place went berserk and as Maiden Fans Shuli and I are were even more stoked.
One fan after the contest stepped up and banged out a 905 , his fist was like a truck and I thought I was watching early clips of a you g Clubber Lang training montage from Rocky III.
Things that make Canada awesome!!!!
1) everyone there is super friendly but at the same time rugged. Like they would kick your ass but then ask if there is anything around the house they can help you with.
2) it’s incredibly clean. No garbage,homeless or junkies soiling the streets. It’s so clean I’m convinced that std’s in Canada make one healthier. Catch clap in Toronto and it makes your eyesight better. It’s like eating carrots but more fun.
3) if you don’t drink all the time you are a walking vag. And the first people to call ya that are women. Canadians drink all the time and handle there booze like a professional. Know one got out of hand yet everyone was drinking since the last time the Leafs made the finals. At the meet and great a woman who was a school teacher called me a pussy for drinking coffee at noon. She then pounded three shots and four beers like she was Quinn in “Jaws. She would of stayed and drank more but she had to prepare a lesson for Monday on plate tectonics. Forget hockey drinking is the national past time!!!
4) hottest black girls ever!!! In the states we are convinced there are not many black folks in Canada. Well this is a great secret. I looked into the crowd Saturday and saw a bunch of dark skinned angels that would make a neo/nazi consider a career change. And all these sirens could drink anyone under the table!!! To quote Yakoff Smirnoff (That’s right you read that correctly. A Yakoff Smirnoff reference. What you gonna do about it?) WHAT A COUNTRY!!!!!!
We love Maddog and he has been a huge addition to the tour. Follow him on twitter @maddogmattern
For Strip Club Audio and an interview with Hanzi check out the new episode of John Tole’s America Podcast
We finished the night with some friends and fans at Denny’s where Shuli devoured a Grandslamwich.
Long Island, New Jersey and Providence in June.
Tickets and information is available at Cleanboxentertainment.com
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